I am divorced

My new shape

40

40 years old

(Actually I'm 60)

When did this happen

Blonde

but my gray sneaks in

I'm sure

Though I would never know

Because I love myself in

The "haircolor" bottle

I am fit enough

Maybe more fit

Then when I was 20

I have less hair

Thanks to an overactive thyroid

Stress induced they say

I use Latisse to make my eyelashes grow

I text 10 times a day

I have a scar

Above my pubic bone

From my C-section

When they lifted my

Darling daughter 

From my abdomen

I am newly divorced from my husband

Shocking

Would have lost the ranch on that bet

Actually, I did…

Basically I am a blank canvas

Well not blank maybe-an unwritten chapter

Is perhaps the better metaphor

Sure I have a history

A hell of a one, actually

I am dinged-up

And weary and my heart is sore

But really in the most – essential way

I am as new as I ever have been and the best is not behind me

Dammit

It's ahead of me for the first time

I never stood a chance before because I was

A slave to what I could not see

A puppet to past patterns

But I have taken a knife and carved myself free

It cost me dearly, but what I gained as myself

The truest treasure is he so who believes

In its own existence

And I believe! I am here!

I am showing up. I have to go slowly

So I don't skip by what this moment is

Divorce

This is the best and worst time of my life

It is a death

A tragedy

A sad and fiery end

A dream I desperately wanted 

The loss of innocence for my daughters

And God how this breaks my heart

But it is also a second chance and I can't let sorrow or self loathing one of reproach rob me of the gift

From fire comes a stark silence as flame drives what is most essential deep inside

All else burned away

I let all else leave me

I keep only what is mostly truly me

Thank God for this fire bless this fire

Bless this new shape

I am sexual

I am spiritual

I am a mother

I am a playful child

I am unapologetic

It took me 40 years(60 years)

But I am here finally 

it has been hard-won

and you can bet I'm not giving it up for anyone

No more submissive posture

No more attentive shape

No more body bent like a question mark

I know what's best for me above all others

Finally 

I reserve the sacred right to re-define myself as well

I can stand in my own power and not make myself small for anyone to make them feel safe

I will shrink myself no longer to make any human feel secure

I spent a lifetime being small for those closest to me but this is not the woman my daughters will know

My daughters will see my new shape 

my intuition speaking loudly 

They will see a woman integrated 

a businesswoman 

an artist 

A nerd and an intellect 

A heart 

for I am all those things

I am woman

Woman and 

whole Human